7 months. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve posted here. I’ve wanted to, so often – but I just haven’t had the time…or even the motivation.
Life is so hectic. Between daycare drop offs and pickups, working all day in between that…the early mornings with RJ and the many wake-up’s he still has at night – I’m exhausted.
I really wish 3-day weekends were a thing. I feel like the 2 days off I have from my day job are spent running strands and doing chores. I barely have a minute to myself, and it’s exhausting and taking a toll on my mental health.
Have you ever heard the explanation of anxiety being, “Anxiety is like the background music in horror movies, even if nothing bad is going on, if the music is playing you feel uneasy.” – yeah, well – welcome to my everyday world.
I feel like I’m always clenching my jaw, which isn’t ideal while wearing Invisalign. I feel like my heart is often racing. I feel overwhelmed, but also like I’m not doing enough. The constantly growing to-do list in my head in itself is enough to make me want to curl up and take a nap…but who has time for that?
Do you know what it’s like to not have had a full night’s sleep in almost 3 years? RJ is almost and has only ever slept through the night a handful of times…and each of those times, there was no chance I could sleep too – whether it was my anxiety or my body being accustomed to waking every few hours.
When he wakes, he stands in the corner of the crib – calling out for me. “Mama, mama, mama!” And when I go in, even if I’m exhausted and frustrated – as soon as I see his face – my heart melts; as soon as I see his eyes looking up at me – I forget about everything else.
There’s a saying that quite a few parents don’t like apparently – but it hits the nail on the head for me; ‘The days are long, but the years are short.’ This is so true. RJ is almost 2 years old and honestly, it feels like we brought him home from the hospital just yesterday.
I’ve been trying this new thing lately. When I wake for the day, instead of focusing on how tired I am and how crappy of a sleep I may have had the night before, I am consciously starting my day with a positive attitude. I believe that you get what you put out there, so if you wake up and choose to be negative – that is likely the mentality you will continue to have throughout the day. But, if you choose to be positive and focus on the good, you’ll go through the day with a grateful heart.
So while, yes – I am utterly exhausted, and stressed, and my anxiety is through the roof – above that – I am grateful. I am grateful for my little family. I am grateful for the time I get to spend with them, and most of all…I am grateful for my life.
…though a solid 8 hours of sleep would be nice too.